After my son’s diagnosis, I received sympathy from family and friends, who prayed for us, as they embraced me, sharing in my tears. Everyone left me with words of encouragement, telling me to “Be strong in the faith, and look to God, and to pray.” Then, before leaving, they left me with these encouraging words “Pray without ceasing.”
Although I didn’t exactly have a relationship with God at that time, I was willing to try anything to heal my son, even praying. Something that I hadn’t done in a long time.
So I prayed.
And I prayed.
And I prayed some more.
Each time I bowed my head to pray, I asked God to heal my child and to reverse his rare congenital defect. When I ended my time of praying, I would look at Nate’s face and body, hoping that he had somehow changed overnight. As I peered in at him, I noticed that his diagnosis had not been healed, he was still the same, and I was livid.
Did God hear me?
Was He listening to me?
If so, why was he not answering?
Didn’t God see me on my knees, begging with tears soaking the edge of my bed?
Where was his sympathy for this little boy and his young 19 year-old mother?
With those questions to God, my anger began to grow.
“What is the point of praying?”
“Why should I pray for my child with special Needs, when nothing is going to change”.
I was done. Praying was useless and didn’t change anything, I told myself. So with that said, I vowed to never pray again.
As the years went by and I cared for Nate, I found myself crying out to God. There was a deep desire within me that I could not removed. I wanted to go to church, to know God, read my Bible, and to pray.
Then when Nate was about 5 years old, God entered my life, and soon afterward my understanding of prayer began to change. I learned that prayer was to help me build in my relationship with the Lord, as I talked to Him, and listened, drawing near to Him. I also saw prayer as a way to seek God’s will and to trust Him with every area of my life, including Nate.
Now, when it came to praying for healing, I learned that I had to trust in the sovereignty of God. He is in control of everything. He could choose to heal Nate or not, on this side of heaven. And whether Nate was healed or not, God had a plan for his life and would use it to bring Him glory.
And the more I prayed, and the closer I came to God, I could see Him giving me everything that I needed to raise Nate. He filled me with peace, love, and joy in my heart for Nate. Also, understanding and patience in raising my child with special needs.
And that is why I should pray. Not only for healing of my child, but peace in knowing God’s Will for Nate is sovereign.
And understanding this is “Well With My soul.”